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The Future

October 18th, 2023

I don't understand what's happened to me lately but I feel like I have... goals. Plans. Things I want for the future that actually feel attainable in a real way, kind of? I've been calling it my agenda. A literal list of short and long term goals for myself. On top of that, there's been thinking about careers. Not just jobs, not making sandwiches for entitled fucks in a bougie beach town in Florida, but a career. Something I can do for the rest of my life.

The Agenda

First up is fitness. I've now been working out consistently for the last 8 weeks. 5 days a week, 30 to 45 minutes a day. My routine has changed slightly from what I mentioned in my blog entry from September, titled "Health". I've increased the amout of weight I use for my glute bridges from 10 pounds to 20 pounds, and I've added ab twists to my upper body routine as well as trading the side raises for dumbbell shoulder presses. Granted, this isn't... that long. But it's better than I've ever done before and it feels good to know that I have been able to maintain this schedule.

Second up is going to have to be getting a driver's license. As of last monday, the 9th, my brother Brendan has moved in with us. It was for a variety of reasons, like escaping our father who was pressuring him into buying a house so he could live in it with him and essentially be set up for life, escaping the state of Mississippi and finding more opportunity in Florida, and helping my mom out with everything she needs done. Which is a lot, she's an incredibly busy woman. However, he's also going to play a vital role in teaching the three of us teenagers (I'm grouped in with the teenagers and I prefer it that way) to drive. He and my mom will be driving back to Mississippi this coming weekend to pick up his truck, because he used a U-Haul to get down here.

Once I have my license, the path diverges. There are two things I will need to do after that.

Item 3A on the agenda is getting a car. I have ideas of the kind of car I would want, and that's mostly the fault of Kali, a woman I've fallen for recently, and she's encouraged the idea of me getting a Subaru. Specifically, either a BRZ or WRX. I'm leaning towards the WRX simply because sedans are more practical than the little coupe that is the BRZ, and I would love to make it happen, but doesn't have to be that. Part of me is dreading insuranse and car note payments, which would entirely depend on how new of a year car I get, I think. I'd be a "25 year old unmarried male" for legal purposes, because I can't legally change my gender on my birth certificate. I was born in Tennessee, and that law has been in place since then 1970's, and Florida's licenses always go based on what's on that document, so no self-ID here. It's better than it would be if I was under 25, but I just don't think I can buy a car before my flesh birthday in November.

Item 3B is getting my name changed legally. Annika LaFey. That's gonna be the name on my license, on my bank cards, on my social security card and my birth certificate. My insurance. I haven't quite settled on a middle name, or middle names, yet. Lilith? Deejay? Not sure. But I know I need an ID with my current address on it to make that happen. And I also know it'll most likely cost around $450 to do. But that's okay. I can do that.

Item 4... Probably leaving Florida. It's a big step, I know, but I can't be here. Not long. I have trusted people in both Washington and Illinois who have offered me places to live, and... I'm grateful to them. I'm glad they exist. It's going to be hard, being away from family, but my mother chose to live in Florida without knowing how bad shit would get for trans folks here in the following year. She's talked about like, Portugal, or Spain, or Italy. But I don't know if I want to go THAT far. Having a license and a car would make leaving here a lot easier.

Item 5, a pretty low priority at the moment, is laser hair removal on my face. It's an issue but I don't have to do that right now. It can happen later, when less life-critical things are out of the way.


I always thought it would be computers that I did as a job. Repair, assembly, something hardware related, but if it had to be IT or system admin work, that would be fine too. Lately, I've been feeling like maybe that's not the case. Not only do I worry about making something I enjoy as a hobby into a job, because I run the risk of hating my hobby when I had hoped I could love my job, but some things came to mind recently that made me question this.

Kali, the woman I mentioned earlier, she got a job as a social worker, and when she made this information known, she said it was because she wanted to save the lives of queer kids. I mentioned once, in the blog entry "Musings", how I felt betrayed by someone I looked up to. Someone I considered a friend on top of being a trans elder, and how I could never do that to someone. How I could never just drop everything and traumatize a friend group just because I wanted not to be around less experienced trans folks. I want to be a positive influence on queer people. I want to be a mentor, a role model, if it comes to it. I want to save lives too.

Something came up and Kali couldn't keep that job, but even just... hearing about it as a possibility, having it brought to my attention, it made me think that I want to be able to do these things too. Maybe I could be a therapist. Maybe I could work for a support organization. I mentioned social work and my mother said it doesn't pay very well, but I know for a fact that I want to help people, and she said if it makes me happy, then I should pursue it. Maybe doing something with computers is more like a mid-term job. Something that can get me out of foodservice making a bit more money so I can go and educate myself to do this kind of work.

My Person said that it kinda runs counter to my goal of getting out of Florida, that someone like what I aspire to be is more needed somewhere like Florida than in Illinois or Washington, and I understand that, I do... but I still can't stay. I need to be thriving first, for my own sake. And for hers.

If you're reading this, mi amorcita, I love you. I'll be there with you one day.

Until next time.