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Body and Mind

August 15th, 2023

I've had a bit of a breakthrough in my life. Maybe just discovery or realization. I'm not sure what you'd call it. But it was about the way I feel about my body, my sexual proclivities, and the age of my body. They're tied together in a way, I think. So let's get started.

My body

I wore my apron in a way that accentuated my waist and my breasts at work one day, and the women I was working with that day complimented me. They said I was snatched, that I was cinched to the gods. I sent a picture of myself to a Discord server because I felt like my body looked good, and with it was another picture where I had my shirt pulled tight to show the shape of my hips, my breasts, and my waist. My friend Erika liked this very much.

You see, she has a thing for topping women who are taller than her. She's roughly 5'7", and I'm a bit over 5'11" (182-ish CM to be exact). She says that I'm a snack, I have a snatched waist and a soft body. That I'm fucked. More fucked than a country with newly discovered oil reserves, more fucked than a '90s Honda that was given to a 17 year old with a nicotine addiction. She wants me to be chained to the bed of her truck and moaning her name... and I'm actually kinda fine with this. As long as she's willing to be a bit gentle with me. I told her that it speaks to how much I trust her as a friend that I would be willing to bottom for her, as someone who usually inhabits a more dominant sexual mindset.

Concurrently with this, in another group chat, someone brought up the topic of womb tattoos of all things. And I said that I liked them, but I didn't know if I would ever want one on my body. I knew that probably wasn't true.

Days ago, what made Erika and I engage in a bit of aggressive flirting was I took the BDSM test again. My top five?

So I'm a polyamorous top-leaning switch with primarily very un-kinky sexual desires, but with an openness to trying new things. I had never been able to think of myself in the role of a submissive, or a bottom, outside of a passive "yeah it might be nice" kind of way, but I haven't ever really liked anyone that way. I haven't been subby before. It's not something I'm able to picture myself doing. My periods are the only time I actively FEEL otherwise. Until now, I suppose. When I pictured myself in a more... slender body. Well, the idea got quite a bit more appealing.

I thought about it. My willingness to bottom for Erika, my inability to imagine myself in a submissive role, my potential desire for a womb tatoo (maybe not physically, just temporarily), but feeling that my body didn't warrant having one. My body. That's where this was from. I still don't see my body as desirable. That's what it is. My weight is still causing a great amount of dysphoria and dissatisfaction with the way my body is shaped. Erika and others have tried to comfort me. "Shut up, I'll beat up your brain." or "Well, that sucks because you're totally my type."

Doesn't make it go away, but it does help with the confidence that things can change for the better.

My Mind

My age causes me... distress.

Every time I talk about it, when I think about the years I spent so deeply repressed and depressed, how old my body is... My heart feels like a pit. It hurts to mention. It's a source of dysphoria, and when I get upset about it it makes every single other thing I'm dysphoric about ten times worse. I have cried over this fact more than anything else in my life. My genitals? Once or twice, specifically about my testicles. My height? Not really, but getting shorter due to HRT has been a source of euphoria. My weight? A few times, but it's become less of a problem since I started losing. My facial hair? Pretty frequently but more from an angle of annoyance with shaving and irritation. My age... once a week, usually. Always with tears, and always amplifying everything else.

On top of this, my instinctual reaction to my brothers, ages 22 and 20, is that they're my older brothers. Not just my oldest brothers or "big brothers". They can still be big brothers even if I was older than them. This also happens with friends of mine who I'm chronologically older than. I spent over 5 years of my life doing nothing. I learned skills on the computer, I had friends, but I didn't complete life milestones. This body is in its twenties. I can't drive, I got my first job a year ago, and my mom even lumps me in with my teenaged siblings, currently 17, 15, and 13. I've cried alone in my bedroom on my last two birthdays

I understand that not having a job until your early-mid twenties and not knowing how to drive is not a reason to consider myself age regressed. It's a combination of all of these things, and how good it feels to say the following:

I'm 19. Annika LaFey as a personality is 19, even if her body, the body she lives in, isn't. It feels right, it feels good, it feels pure. I'm just worried what people will think...

Signing off again, for now. Yours, Annika LaFey~